“HOW come you don’t have a girlfriend, aren’t you meeting any girls?”, my mom asked.

“I’m meeting girls, it just seems like I can’t find someone to be in a relationship with”, I replied, somewhat humourously.

“What? Why can’t they be your girlfriend?”

“Because I seem to find something wrong with them.”

“When?”

“When I go out with them, I seem to find some little tiny flaw I can’t get over with. I don’t even know why. I have incredibly high standards for someone short.”

“Everyone has flaws. Even me. You should go on at least 10 dates with them before you think anything.”

“Ten dates??!”

“Yes.”

HE STOOD outside in the night, random thoughts jumbling through his head, the almost non-existant breeze ruffling leaves, and the clouds of smoky depression floating away in trails from the lit cigarette that he was holding. He mumbled about the smell of failure to himself, unconsciously using the back of his thumb to wipe away a flake of skin that somehow popped up on his nose.

He walked a few steps, took a puff, then walked the other way, before stopping after a few steps, looking at the wide-expanse of stars and the nascent moon peeking out from beneath a leaf-less tree. What would he do now that he had no options.

A LOT OF PEOPLE close to me have undergone transformations of personalities, and it seems, now that I stop and ponder, that I have too. Back in high school, I was too self-conscious to dance, although I did have rhythm. Now I consider myself a good enough dancer to bust out in the middle of a circle. Back in high school, I was too afraid to go up to a random girl and dance with her, but now I can. The list of things “that have changed” have gone on and on, but mostly the change has been psychological in that I’m not afraid to do things that are new.

I ordered aggressive inline skate (USD- Thrones) yesturday from my friend James, who I truly respect and like as a person. He’s going to attempt to teach me tricks, but I already know I’m going to get hurt and hurt often. But I have a mental vision of me, sliding down the rail of a 12 foot long stairway and I can’t get rid of it. It just seems like such a rush to go hurtling down a railway knowing you might snap your neck on the bottom or the side or get impaled on a rusty nail like those poor saps on Real TV and then somehow do some crazy 360 in midair and land safely on the bottom, waving at the open-mouth gapes of foxy ladies as they ponder my magnificient atheletic skills.

Hah.

My summer seems extremely busy right now. I got an offer from my employer for a massive Flash based project, I’m taking up rollerblading, I’m attending a few massive parties, I’m probably going to be working, I’m going to vend items at Electric Daisy Carnival (in LA), I’m producing a glowsticking video much like Drunknmunky, I’m working on glowsticking.com as well as ravedigital.com project, and i’m contemplating flying to Ibiza to party. I’m probably missing something there, but I’m hoping all of these will lead me on a road not taken.

I’m getting more and more excited about Love Festival SD. It’s a party thrown by the Go Ventures crew in the SD Sports Arena.

I finally been getting back on track in my life. I took care of a lot of little stuff in my life.

Sorry for not posting in ages, but I’ve been extremly busy. On Friday, my mom somehow procured tickets (which run from 200-300 on ebay) to E3 from her friends at Activision. So my friend Paul and I went to the expo, which somehow bored me because I stopped being an avid game player back when my mother refused to buy me a Super Nintendo, but even I had to be amazed at the sheer spectacle and money that went into all of this. Beautiful females wearing strange customs were abound, and there was even a DJ spinning some mainstream house and trance in the capcom room. No I did not dance.

Microsoft obviously invested a great deal of money into the Xbox, but I’m still impressed by the Gamecube’s simplicity and the Playstation 2′s games. The Gamecube somehow partnered with Panasonic and they are offering a DVD player that looks like a nice panasonic player but has a gamecube inside of it. Wonders.

On Saturday I attended the ALL-UC (UCLA, UCI, UCSD, UCSB, UCR) dance competition. The crowd was all asians. There were some gorgeous girls. I had a lot of fun.

Things I need do to:

Finish my mom’s website.

Get going on a steady revenue stream. Ideally multiple revenue, in the form of work and my own business.

Read books I purchased. I have so many books lying on my bookshelf that I cringe when I look at, knowing that because of my own faults, I didn’t read. These books include classics, as well as books that will update my various computer skills and business knowledge.

I WOKE UP today after I turned in my paper, which ended up being a hefty 55 pages, and I felt as if I’ve been reborn. I realized the last couple of months for me had been an utter failure to myself as a person and my means to growth. I woke up, I cleaned my room. I took care of all the small gritty work. I cleaned up the folders in my computer and made necessary backups. I organized my clothes which were all over the place. I did the laundary. I paid my bills. I’m getting back on track with my goals and obligations. I’m going to streamline my shit and not dwell on the past, for I should be ready to move and deal when I need to.

“Never have anything in your life that you can’t walk out on in thirty seconds flat, if you spot the heat coming around the corner.”, from the music, “Heat” (and one of the best actions movies I’ve watched).

the moment before sleep

i was lying in bed yesturday at 5:00 am trying to get some sleep when i had the inexplicable thought that i was grappling with something that was too big to grapple with and that was stifling me emotionally. i felt like crying for some odd reason, and i couldn’t breathe as easily, and i felt nausea.

Have you wondered what would happen if someone recorded what you did on your computer? Would you be embarassed? Did you do or say or click on anything that you’d rather not reveal? Look at this flash movie, from SpectorSoft.com.

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream in which you could not see but you could hear, sense, and touch?

I had a dream in which I felt I was falling or flying at some impossibly fast pace, and there was an impossibly loud noise running through my head but i can’t tell what i’m hearing because it’s so damn loud it starts to reverberate throughout my body and my body feels like it’s being twisted upisde down and then I wake up with a start.

Is it like the brain’s version of that loud THX thing they play in begining of movies to test out the sound, to make sure the ol’ pump is active?

I have a 30-40 paper due in 2 days, i still have not started. can you say procrastination?

i have a 30-40 page paper due in 2 days, and i have not started. can you say screwed?

Email forward i received: The Meanest Mother

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids’ also. But at least, I wasn’t alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did. My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we’d be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less–not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy’s pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends? The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn’t sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us. She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.

By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I’d had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn’t improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, “sick” like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends’ report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks. As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put

to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You’re right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.

Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

“WHICH of those boutinierres was from the prettiest girl?”, my mother asked jokingly, assessing the now dried up flowers carefully pinned on the wall.

“probably the white one.”, i replied offhand, not even looking, reading a book, while my mother played with the little black pug puppy that was nipping gently on the fabric of her shirt.

“the white-white one? or the white-peach one?”

“the white-peach one.”

“she was the prettiest?”

“i think she liked me the most for who i was.”

Opposing viewpoints

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

-Macbeth

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

- Robert Frost. Click for more info.

Does what we do matter? If the two road diverge, but then meet back in the same place, for the narrator in Frost’s poem must have been going somewhere, does it matter what road we took?

If all our struggles and wants and needs means nothing in the end, why do we live?

i attended the ucla dormal today. haven’t been to a formal since prom of high school. i forgot how beautiful girls look when they are in dresses and are made up. it was an interesting affair– i wished i had alcohol throughout 3/4 of it, but since i was with my friend diane it was a bit better. i saw joyce for a bit, didn’t really get to hang with her though– group pictures and such took a large chunk of time. i felt self-conscious for some reason throughout the night, so i didn’t dance really hard. also it was friggin hot. they played a good mix of mainstream hip-hop and slwo jams, and near the end, they played dance music, some trance and house. when they started playing trance, for some reason, a lot of people busted out with glowsticks. where they got their glowsticks? i have no idea. people all of a sudden had them ready. almost eerie.

in any case, before the actual dance, i went on a mini-shopping spree, buying a kenneth cole black pants, a shirt, a tie, and my mother’s day gift.

stuff i bought yesturday: Dummies guide to starting a home business. – Besides, the campy name of the book, I found the book pretty packed with useful information about starting a business. I’ve been thinking about making my freelance work more official, and this would be a good way to learn how to administrate as opposed to just making websites. I could contract myself as a consultant, which would be pretty lucrative and use the legal framework to learn more about taxes and other things.

redesigning the personal section of my davidoh.com website.

I read a very interesting article on how Disney is using it’s resources to try and sell the movie Pearl Harbor to the Japanese (the Japanese are good for 30-40 million in additional profit), who are, unlike the Germans, very ambivalent about the war (government textbooks regularly gloss over the subject of the war, and many Japanese are not aware of many actions that took place during world war II. They even have different trailers for the two different audiences. Ingenious.

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? – “The Merchant of Venice”, by William Shakespeare.

Striking back at life, the only way I know how.

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